Guide · 9 min read
Bids for connection: how to notice them and turn toward your partner
Key takeaways
- A bid is any small reach for attention, interest or comfort, in words or without them.
- You can turn toward a bid, turn away from it, or turn against it, and turning toward is usually tiny.
- Missed bids can be repaired, and clearer bids are easier for a busy partner to catch.
Bids for connection are the small ways partners reach for each other's attention, interest or comfort. A sigh, "look at this", a hand on your shoulder. Researcher John Gottman found that how often partners turn toward these moments tracks how well a relationship holds up. Turning toward usually takes seconds: look up, answer, ask one more question.
This guide is for the partner who feels unseen, and for the one who keeps missing the moment. It covers what a bid looks like, the three responses and everyday examples. Then come the practical parts: spotting bids, repairing a missed one, and making bids that land.
What are bids for connection?
Bids for connection are requests to connect, from a joke to a question to a reach for your hand. The Gottman Institute's article on paying attention to bids calls them "the fundamental unit of emotional communication". The same article notes that bids can be small or large, verbal or nonverbal.
Most bids are ordinary: a question about the dentist, a wink across the room, a photo of the dog. The content hardly matters. Under every bid sits a simpler question: are you with me?
Some bids hide. A loud sigh can be a bid, and so can "I guess I'll do the dishes, then". They sound like complaints, but the wish under them is often "I miss you". Learning to hear that wish is half the skill.
Bids also come often. The same article says happy couples at dinner bid up to one hundred times in ten minutes. Less happy couples engaged each other about sixty-five times. No single bid decides anything, but the habit of answering them matters.
Try tonight
count the bids your partner makes in one evening, without telling them. Include sighs, questions, touches and shared screens. Most people are surprised by the number.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
Turning toward, away or against: three ways to respond to a bid
Every bid gets one of three answers. You turn toward it, turn away from it, or turn against it. Here is what each looks like.
Turning toward means noticing the bid and engaging with it. You look up, answer, laugh, or ask "what's wrong?" after a sigh. Turning away means missing or ignoring it, such as a grunt while you keep scrolling. Turning against means rejecting it with irritation, sarcasm or a put-down: "Can't you see I'm busy?"
The research behind this comes from Gottman's Love Lab at the University of Washington. Zach Brittle's Gottman Institute article on turning toward describes newlyweds followed up six years later. Couples still married had turned toward each other 86% of the time. Couples who had divorced averaged 33%.
Two cautions keep those numbers honest. Neither Gottman Institute article names the paper or the sample size, so treat them as a pattern, not a target. And nobody turns toward every bid, since busy, tired people miss some every day.
Which hurts more, away or against? Brittle's article says turning away "is even more devastating". A rejected bid at least "provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair". A missed bid often leads to fewer bids over time. That is why quiet distance can do more harm than a sharp word.
Try tonight
catch yourself on one turn away. Then go back within the hour and turn toward the same bid.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
Examples of bids for connection, with three possible responses
Examples of bids for connection include questions, shared jokes, small requests, touches and sighs. The table shows common ones and what each response sounds like.
| Bid | Turning toward | Turning away | Turning against |
|---|---|---|---|
| "Look at this video." | Watch it and laugh together | "Mm-hm," eyes on your own screen | "I don't have time for this." |
| A long sigh at the sink | "That sounded heavy. What's up?" | Keep cooking in silence | "What now?" |
| "How do I look?" | Look up: "That color suits you." | "Fine," without looking | "Does it matter? We're late." |
| A hand on your shoulder | Lean into it or squeeze back | Shrug it off without noticing | "Not now, you're crowding me." |
| "Traffic was brutal." | "Ugh. Sit down, tell me." | Talk about your own day | "You say that every day." |
| A text: a photo of the dog | Reply with a heart and a line | Leave it on read until tomorrow | "Busy. Stop texting." |
| "Do you want to take a walk?" | "Yes, give me five minutes." | No answer | "Why would I, after today?" |
Notice how small the left column is. Turning toward is rarely a long talk. It is a glance, one line, or one follow-up question. The right column is where contempt and criticism creep in, and they need a different fix.
Try tonight
pick one row that feels familiar and plan your "toward" line in advance. Use it the next time that bid comes.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
How to notice bids for connection in a busy day
You notice more bids by watching the moments where they cluster and by lowering the screen first. Most couples miss bids from distraction, not indifference.
The Gottman Institute's article on bid busters names phones, news and stress as common ways to turn away. Research backs the phone part. A 2025 Frontiers in Psychology meta-analysis of partner phubbing pooled 52 studies with 19,698 people. It found that snubbing a partner for a phone was linked to lower relationship satisfaction.
Bids tend to cluster at a few hinge points in the day. Watch the first minutes after one of you gets home, mealtimes, and the last half hour before sleep. Keeping the phone out of reach at those three points catches more bids than any rule for the whole day.
When you truly cannot turn toward, defer instead of ignoring. Say: "I want to hear this. Give me ten minutes to finish this email." Then come back on time. A deferred bid kept is still a turn toward.
Try tonight
put both phones in another room for the first ten minutes after you are both home.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
What to do when you missed your partner's bid
When you miss a bid, go back to it, briefly and without a long defense. A late turn toward still counts. The aim is to reopen the moment, not to win a debate about why you missed it.
Use one plain line. "Earlier you showed me something and I barely looked. Can I see it now?" Or: "You sighed at dinner and I didn't ask. What was going on?" Then listen, and resist explaining how busy you were.
Same-day repairs are easiest, but next-day ones are fine too. If you hear "never mind", try once more and say you would really like to hear it. If the answer is still no, let it go and catch the next bid. Small repairs like these sit inside the wider Gottman toolkit. Our page on the Gottman Method explained for couples covers repair attempts and rituals.
Try tonight
name one bid you missed this week and turn toward it now.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
How to make bids for connection your partner can hear
You make bids easier to catch by making them clear, specific and well timed. Hidden bids are the ones most often missed. A partner cannot turn toward a bid they did not notice.
Name it. The Brittle article suggests saying it outright: "I'm making a bid for attention now." It can feel awkward at first. Some couples turn it into a running joke.
Make it answerable. Swap the complaint for the wish under it. "I miss you" lands softer than "you're always on that phone". Skip the charge "You never pay attention to me". Ask: "Can you sit with me for five minutes?"
Pick the moment. A bid made while your partner is mid-task or mid-argument is likely to miss. Wait for a pause, or ask: "Is now a good time?"
What if your partner keeps ignoring your bids? Check first whether they are hearing them as bids. Then raise the pattern once, at a calm time. Say: "When you don't look up, I feel alone. Could we put phones away at dinner?"
If the distance runs back years, read our guide to feeling disconnected in a long marriage.
Try tonight
turn one complaint into a named, specific bid, and notice how your partner answers.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
A 10-minute daily practice for turning toward bids for connection
A short evening review builds the habit of turning toward bids faster than good intentions. It takes about ten minutes and works best at a fixed time, such as after dinner.
- Name a bid you made. Each of you says one bid you made today and how it landed. Two minutes each.
- Name a bid you caught. Each of you thanks the other for one time they turned toward you. One minute each.
- Name a bid you missed. Each of you owns one missed bid and turns toward it now. One minute each.
- Plan tomorrow's bid. Each of you says one bid you will make tomorrow. One minute in all.
- Close with a small ritual. End with a hug, a six-second kiss or a shared cup of tea.
On busy nights, do steps 2 and 4 only. A three-minute version kept daily beats a perfect one done once.
Try tonight
run step 2 alone. Thank your partner for one moment today when they looked up.
Download six "Try tonight" exercises as a PDF
When to get more help
Some patterns go past missed bids. If bids are met with contempt most days, or arguments shut down into silence, practice alone may not be enough. Our guide to the four horsemen of relationship conflict explains those patterns and their antidotes.
For betrayal, or a pattern you cannot interrupt on your own, see a licensed couples therapist. This guide is not for abuse, fear of your partner, or thoughts of self-harm. In the US, call or text 988 at any hour. You can find more helplines on Pragma's crisis resources page for couples.
How a couples app can support turning toward bids
A couples app can help by turning "notice more bids" into a small daily habit with a reminder. Pragma is an AI relationship coach, not a therapist, and it does not diagnose or treat. Each of you talks with your coach for about 15 minutes a day, by voice or chat.
The Practice includes a seven-day Turning Toward program, about ten minutes a day. One of you can start alone and the other can join later with an 8-character code. Transcripts are encrypted with AES-256-GCM and never shown to your partner. Partner Activity shows only completion and progress.
Pragma is built partly on the Gottman Method, among other methods. It has no affiliation with The Gottman Institute, which has not endorsed it. To compare options, see what an AI couples therapy app does. For the bigger picture, read what AI couples therapy is and is not.
Where to start with bids for connection
Start by counting your partner's bids for one evening, then try the ten-minute review this week. Turn toward one bid you missed, and make one bid that says exactly what you want. If you want a coach to keep the habit going, start your 7-day free trial of Pragma. No card to begin. To learn which bids your partner values most, take our free love language quiz for couples together.
Frequently asked questions about bids for connection
What are some examples of bids for connection?
Common bids include a question about the day, "look at this", a joke or a small request. Nonverbal bids include a touch on the arm, a wink, a sigh or a shared photo. Anything that invites a response from your partner can be a bid.
What happens when bids for connection are ignored?
One missed bid does little harm. When bids are missed again and again, the person bidding often stops trying, and the couple drifts apart. Gottman Institute writers describe this quiet distance as more harmful than an open rejection.
What should I do if my partner ignores my bids?
Make your bids clearer first: name them and ask for something specific. Then raise the pattern once, calmly, using "I feel" rather than "you never". If the distance continues for months, a licensed couples therapist can help you both see it.
Is turning away worse than turning against?
According to the Gottman Institute, often yes. A rejected bid still leaves room for engagement and repair. A missed bid often leads to fewer bids, so the connection fades without anyone noticing.
Do we have to turn toward every bid?
No. In the Gottman Institute's Love Lab work, even happy couples missed some bids. Aim to catch more of them, defer kindly when you are busy, and go back to the ones you missed.